I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
