Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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