worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
