I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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