you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
