im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
