I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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