My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
