cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
