I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
