I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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