Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
