Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
how does that bad decision feel?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
