onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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