She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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