I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
