i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
