My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
