I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
