ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
cat food counts as protein by the way
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
