What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
