You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
