Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
