I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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