Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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