It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
