so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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