Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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