Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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