Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
