I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
