I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
