I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
