you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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