Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Too much gin, very little bucket
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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