Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
