Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
