R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
