You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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