And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
