I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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