i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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