Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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