tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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