Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018