I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.