i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
