Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
