ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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