So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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