hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
