I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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