I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
