Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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