I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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